Ambivalence----May 26, 2014

    
   When I woke up this morning, I had no pain anywhere.  Both knees felt, well, they felt nothing. So I'd be making a mistake to have surgery, I decide, at least for the present.  Of course, when I first get out of bed, and still barefoot, I kind of bounce off the wall in the hallway, but that's nothing new. It's because my legs are different lengths since last year's surgery, but easily corrected with the help of a 3/8 inch leather heelpad which the physical therapist gave me last May.  Even before the surgery, my legs didn't match, but any walking soon became so painful I paid no attention to the discrepancy.  Last week the surgeon did say my unoperated leg was also crooked, and that the knee replacement would make it straight.  The thought is tempting, but whether it's worth another surgery is problematic, to me anyway.
    Later in the day we drive to the mall, and as we walk across the parking lot, I'm aware of pain in my kneecap with every step I take.  Not bad pain, but definitely present.  It stops completely when I stop walking.  At home, I go down the basement steps to get the laundry, and my knee feels sore again, and, more concerning, seems to lack stability.  At the end of last summer, after the therapy sessions ended at about 5 weeks post-surgery, I was able to walk up and down stairs without holding on to the railing, and now I am unable to.  So I figure I've lost some ground.
     I've outlined my knee issues, to several family members, but no one has  followed up with any hint of interest or offerings of advice.  Only the people left of my generation display any interest in geriatric conditions, and they are necessarily involved with their own health isues.
   Whatever decision I arrive at will be mine alone.  When and if I decide to go forth with surgery, I will make it known, but I will make plans independent of the involvement of others.