A beautiful day, almost seems a shame to waste it on us. There should not be napping on a day like this, but in the absence of anything else, it occurs. Thinking the unthinkable, I have the urge to clean house. All my previous attempts were fruitless, weak attempts, so I decided to confine my efforts to my clothing. I can't call it a wardrobe; I don't wear any fashion items anymore; I just have pieces and pieces. I think I have about 50 pairs of socks, probably more, and some are unworn with price tags still on. I probably have at least that many sweaters, and though most have been worn, I tend to wear the same garments most of the time. Same for pants, and I own about 20 zip-up jackets and even more sweaters.
I filled a large garbage bag with just my clothing today and brought it to the receptacle in Schaghticoke. Another bagful went in the garbage. Back in the room, I see no difference; it looks like a hoarder's paradise. If any of those well-meaning, mandated-reporter health care workers get a look inside that room, I'll probably be assigned to therapy.
To break the monotony of despair, I initiated a drive to Hand Melon for fresh strawberries. You can pick them yourself for $2.25 a pint at B.J.'s, but we went first class and paid $5.25 a quart at Hand Melon. What's $.75 when you can avoid laboring like a migrant. And besides, the baskets were overflowing and the berries were good.
In cleaning (hah) my closet area, I was down on the floor, and it occurred to me that I should put my weight on the operated knee when I went to get up off the floor, since if there are 2 operated knees, I need to be able to get up from the floor, or the ground, if that's the case. I hate the feeling of kneeling on it. Some doctors recommend against it, but Dr. C. said it was fine to do so. What does he know, I can't help but think. It feels strange and I have avoided it, using the other knee. So I tried it, on the hardwood bedroom floor. I couldn't make myself do it, but I found that I can push myself up with both arms and then straighten my legs beneath me. That works for now. Who knows what the future holds? (Well, some of us have a pretty good guess.)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
June 17----Justification? Rationalization?
Last week, an acquaintance asked me why I was limping, and a few days ago another said she noticed that my legs seemed crooked when I walked. I didn't think I limped noticeably, at least not when I'm wearing my "special shoe," and of course I have no idea what my legs, or any other part of me for that matter, look like when I'm walking. So those things don't bother me, though I'm probably paying attention to those remarks so as to justify any surgery. What does bother me is the sounds I hear when I'm walking. The pain is mostly minimal, and stops when I do, so that would not be a decisive factor. But what the crunching sound means to me is that the bones are wearing on each other and further erosion seems inevitable----as long as I am moving around. I don't want to be like the guy in the TV commercial who exclaims, "I was bone on bone!" He seems so proud of it somehow, but I guess that's because the elderly often become one with their afflictions, their faithful constant companions when others have fallen by the wayside.
I belong to an organization wherein people travel for miles and spend thousands of dollars, out of pocket when necessary, to preserve their vision. Some are elderly, some are much younger. Sometimes patients travel alone, over considerable distances, with no one to accompany them, to seek the optimal sight-saving surgery. The surgery is usually out-patient, but the patient needs to stay nearby for checks over a few or several days, and is not to remain alone for at least the first night. The patients with no one accompanying them make their own travel arrangements and hotel accommodations, often with the assistance of the surgical center, and when necessary arrange for a paid attendant to help them, until released by the doctor. I figure if they can do it, so can I.
I belong to an organization wherein people travel for miles and spend thousands of dollars, out of pocket when necessary, to preserve their vision. Some are elderly, some are much younger. Sometimes patients travel alone, over considerable distances, with no one to accompany them, to seek the optimal sight-saving surgery. The surgery is usually out-patient, but the patient needs to stay nearby for checks over a few or several days, and is not to remain alone for at least the first night. The patients with no one accompanying them make their own travel arrangements and hotel accommodations, often with the assistance of the surgical center, and when necessary arrange for a paid attendant to help them, until released by the doctor. I figure if they can do it, so can I.
Fear and Loathing in Valley Falls---June 19
Well, not loathing exactly, except for that directed at myself, but I do have some fear. Not the crippling type where I fear for my life, but the worrisome, niggling sort, with a touch of the "Darkman" scenario.
For one, and most tangible, I am wary of anesthesiologists, almost to the level of fear. I like to know when something begins and also when it ends, to understand the nature of an event. But these professionals don't function that way. They appear out of nowhere and disappear into vapor, after their job is done. Any explanation they give is muddied by the effects of the fog they induce. Once an IV line is installed, you are at the mercy of another.
Furthermore, I don't believe what patients are told about the type of anesthesia that purportedly has you awake and responsive, but unable to remember afterwards. If so, wouldn't this involve destruction of some of your brain cells? I would be interested in a study on the effects of that type of anesthesia and Alzheimer's or dementia.
The only effect I've ever been aware of when under some anesthetic or another is that it didn't occur to me to talk. I remember seeing the doctor when it didn't seem necessary or expected for me to say anything even though I had some unanswered questions in my mind. When, right after surgery, the nurse asked if I could move my toes, I responded in one word that I couldn't, not on either foot. Later I thought this might have been critical to recovery, or paralysis, but then, I was a monosyllabic cretin. Ah, well, I'll get to my worse fears tomorrow, or not.
For one, and most tangible, I am wary of anesthesiologists, almost to the level of fear. I like to know when something begins and also when it ends, to understand the nature of an event. But these professionals don't function that way. They appear out of nowhere and disappear into vapor, after their job is done. Any explanation they give is muddied by the effects of the fog they induce. Once an IV line is installed, you are at the mercy of another.
Furthermore, I don't believe what patients are told about the type of anesthesia that purportedly has you awake and responsive, but unable to remember afterwards. If so, wouldn't this involve destruction of some of your brain cells? I would be interested in a study on the effects of that type of anesthesia and Alzheimer's or dementia.
The only effect I've ever been aware of when under some anesthetic or another is that it didn't occur to me to talk. I remember seeing the doctor when it didn't seem necessary or expected for me to say anything even though I had some unanswered questions in my mind. When, right after surgery, the nurse asked if I could move my toes, I responded in one word that I couldn't, not on either foot. Later I thought this might have been critical to recovery, or paralysis, but then, I was a monosyllabic cretin. Ah, well, I'll get to my worse fears tomorrow, or not.
June 28, 2014
I'm up to today's date in my chronology. Today marks the day that the last one has been apprised of the situation to date. I haven't wanted to venture into the TMI area, have been on more of a need-to-know basis. I'll tell when they ask. Getting old and on the fringe really sucks scissors.
Indecision, May 25 2014
(I write this to myself to try to put things in perspective. I did the same last year, intending to delete after the surgery was over, but I have found reading it over helps me understand the process. I kind of wish I had kept a more detailed account because in rereading I've forgotten, or not thought of, a lot of things that happened.)
It's been a year since I had the right TKR, and I'm not sure what to do about the other knee. Over the years, both orthopedists I had seen said both knees were badly damaged, and would need total knee replacement to function in a normal manner. The right knee was worse, and so was done first. Before the surgery, it seemed as if both knees hurt, and I got to the point where walking any distance and standing for more than several minutes were painful. They did not hurt at rest, though there were times in the past when they did. To my surprise and satisfaction, after the TKR on the right knee, the left knee felt really good also. I walked around Washington Park, in shopping malls, and, probably the best test of all, I was able to walk all around the grounds at the Schaghticoke Fair, just 3 months after the surgery. But this spring, my left knee has started clicking, and becomes painful after I've walked on it for more than 10 minutes or so. I tell myself being able to walk around at the Schaghticoke Fair is not a strong enough reason to risk major surgery. But at the last visit to Ortho, new x-rays showed no cartilage, bone spurs, and I was told that my left leg is also crooked. Not too noticeable to me, and nowhere near as crooked and deformed as the right leg had been. I know, since I'm the age I am, that I can live with the amount of disability (if that's the word), for the rest of my life. As it is. But what if it gets worse is the question I'm faced with. The older I get, the more likely I am to develop surgical complications, so the best time to act may be now. When the surgeon asked if the pain in the left knee is as bad now as the right knee was last year, this is what I said: "Before surgery both knees hurt, the right being worse, but I felt pain in both. After the surgery, for a period of time, I was pain-free. Now the left knee hurts, but since the right knee is pain-free, I'm only in half as much pain as before." I'd hate to "waste" the benefit of my surgery by being unable to walk around freely, to lose what I went through all that trouble to gain.
Anyway, before any more surgery, I would have to again get clearance from my primary doctor and my cardiologist. I suspect the results would depend on blood tests and not any other clinical findings because the cardiologist is part of a mill, and the primary seems kind of clueless.
I wonder, what are we looking for anyway? I no longer have anyone to go shopping with, hang out with, or most of the time have anyone to talk to. There is no one who knows how far I can walk.
It's been a year since I had the right TKR, and I'm not sure what to do about the other knee. Over the years, both orthopedists I had seen said both knees were badly damaged, and would need total knee replacement to function in a normal manner. The right knee was worse, and so was done first. Before the surgery, it seemed as if both knees hurt, and I got to the point where walking any distance and standing for more than several minutes were painful. They did not hurt at rest, though there were times in the past when they did. To my surprise and satisfaction, after the TKR on the right knee, the left knee felt really good also. I walked around Washington Park, in shopping malls, and, probably the best test of all, I was able to walk all around the grounds at the Schaghticoke Fair, just 3 months after the surgery. But this spring, my left knee has started clicking, and becomes painful after I've walked on it for more than 10 minutes or so. I tell myself being able to walk around at the Schaghticoke Fair is not a strong enough reason to risk major surgery. But at the last visit to Ortho, new x-rays showed no cartilage, bone spurs, and I was told that my left leg is also crooked. Not too noticeable to me, and nowhere near as crooked and deformed as the right leg had been. I know, since I'm the age I am, that I can live with the amount of disability (if that's the word), for the rest of my life. As it is. But what if it gets worse is the question I'm faced with. The older I get, the more likely I am to develop surgical complications, so the best time to act may be now. When the surgeon asked if the pain in the left knee is as bad now as the right knee was last year, this is what I said: "Before surgery both knees hurt, the right being worse, but I felt pain in both. After the surgery, for a period of time, I was pain-free. Now the left knee hurts, but since the right knee is pain-free, I'm only in half as much pain as before." I'd hate to "waste" the benefit of my surgery by being unable to walk around freely, to lose what I went through all that trouble to gain.
Anyway, before any more surgery, I would have to again get clearance from my primary doctor and my cardiologist. I suspect the results would depend on blood tests and not any other clinical findings because the cardiologist is part of a mill, and the primary seems kind of clueless.
I wonder, what are we looking for anyway? I no longer have anyone to go shopping with, hang out with, or most of the time have anyone to talk to. There is no one who knows how far I can walk.
Ambivalence----May 26, 2014
When I woke up this morning, I had no pain anywhere. Both knees felt, well, they felt nothing. So I'd be making a mistake to have surgery, I decide, at least for the present. Of course, when I first get out of bed, and still barefoot, I kind of bounce off the wall in the hallway, but that's nothing new. It's because my legs are different lengths since last year's surgery, but easily corrected with the help of a 3/8 inch leather heelpad which the physical therapist gave me last May. Even before the surgery, my legs didn't match, but any walking soon became so painful I paid no attention to the discrepancy. Last week the surgeon did say my unoperated leg was also crooked, and that the knee replacement would make it straight. The thought is tempting, but whether it's worth another surgery is problematic, to me anyway.
Later in the day we drive to the mall, and as we walk across the parking lot, I'm aware of pain in my kneecap with every step I take. Not bad pain, but definitely present. It stops completely when I stop walking. At home, I go down the basement steps to get the laundry, and my knee feels sore again, and, more concerning, seems to lack stability. At the end of last summer, after the therapy sessions ended at about 5 weeks post-surgery, I was able to walk up and down stairs without holding on to the railing, and now I am unable to. So I figure I've lost some ground.
I've outlined my knee issues, to several family members, but no one has followed up with any hint of interest or offerings of advice. Only the people left of my generation display any interest in geriatric conditions, and they are necessarily involved with their own health isues.
Whatever decision I arrive at will be mine alone. When and if I decide to go forth with surgery, I will make it known, but I will make plans independent of the involvement of others.
Left Knee Saga
I went today for the scheduled MRI of my knee, as per the Signature protocol. (I can't help but wish the 3D Printer version of knee implant was more widely available at the present, but so it goes.) I remembered last year when I had the MRI at the same facility, I did not like the experience I had there, and told myself I would not return. But it happens that this is the only place for the particular type of MRI, so here I am. The tech introduced herself as Diane, and I told her of my concern about last year, when the fan was not running during the whole body scan, and the temperature rose to an uncomfortable level, discomfort heightened when no one responded when I spoke through the mike in the machine. She said she would be there, and that the fan would be running. Another tech appeared, the same "Maria' from last year. So the MRI went smoothly, no problems at all , and the techs both seemed much friendlier than from last year, though Maria didn't say much at all. Diane did say the my knee "was in pretty bad shape' so I guess that's good in a way.
June 4, 2014 Trying
I'm still of two minds about going ahead with the surgery, but I'm going along as if I will go through with it. Very few have asked what I planned to do after my first surgery, an entire year ago. And this is by no means an attempt to lay a guilt trip on anyone. During the long cold difficult winter past, I came to the realization of that which I already knew, that as time goes by, the more I must rely on myself to decide about myself. I feel as if my life is like the cosmetic racks at drug stores. A tube of lipstick or makeup is removed from the little tray, and the other tubes, all waiting invisibly behind, rush forward to claim its space. There is no room for the removed tube to find its way back. It is true that nature abhors a vacuum, and apparently even the threat of one. The ousted tube may find itself squeezed in above its former home, or else laid loose on the shelf beneath. It can't go home again.
I too have lost my place, in many ways. Children, friends, jobs, social commitments all take on directions of their own, as aging proceeds at its own inexorable pace.
Anyway, I feel, almost, a sense of guilt to be so interested in myself as to contemplate anything major. All my attempts to spark conversation about my own deteriorating condition, and whether it's worth salvaging, have fallen on mostly deaf ears. Yes, that is undeniably true. It is one of the disillusionments of my life that I am almost completely without conversation.
......Anyway, out of the wallowing and back to my original purpose of documenting the course of what may be a surgical procedure. I paid my annual right-knee visit to the orthopedist, and based only on his objective assessment, said I would schedule a second surgery. Everything was to be the same as last year. I would need to have pre-surgical clearances from (1) my primary doctor and (2) the cardiologist I see once a year to track my blood pressure.
I put off scheduling those 2 clearance visits because of uncertainty as to whether to have the surgery or not. A million things could happen before then. But today, I decided I would call the cardiologist's office, a good idea anyway, I thought. The receptionist had no sooner answered the phone and taken my name and purpose for the call when I had another call come in. Normally, I don't take such calls, but call them back later. But this call was from the orthopedist's office. I excused myself and took the call: the call was to tell me that my surgery (real or fantasy) would be not at Samaritan but at St. Peter's. After June 30, Dr. Congiusta will no longer perform surgery at Samaritan. Now I'm really out of my comfort zone. I must consult with my inner self.
I too have lost my place, in many ways. Children, friends, jobs, social commitments all take on directions of their own, as aging proceeds at its own inexorable pace.
Anyway, I feel, almost, a sense of guilt to be so interested in myself as to contemplate anything major. All my attempts to spark conversation about my own deteriorating condition, and whether it's worth salvaging, have fallen on mostly deaf ears. Yes, that is undeniably true. It is one of the disillusionments of my life that I am almost completely without conversation.
......Anyway, out of the wallowing and back to my original purpose of documenting the course of what may be a surgical procedure. I paid my annual right-knee visit to the orthopedist, and based only on his objective assessment, said I would schedule a second surgery. Everything was to be the same as last year. I would need to have pre-surgical clearances from (1) my primary doctor and (2) the cardiologist I see once a year to track my blood pressure.
I put off scheduling those 2 clearance visits because of uncertainty as to whether to have the surgery or not. A million things could happen before then. But today, I decided I would call the cardiologist's office, a good idea anyway, I thought. The receptionist had no sooner answered the phone and taken my name and purpose for the call when I had another call come in. Normally, I don't take such calls, but call them back later. But this call was from the orthopedist's office. I excused myself and took the call: the call was to tell me that my surgery (real or fantasy) would be not at Samaritan but at St. Peter's. After June 30, Dr. Congiusta will no longer perform surgery at Samaritan. Now I'm really out of my comfort zone. I must consult with my inner self.
June 5, 2014
Theoretically, or maybe I mean practically, or actually, I am scheduled to undergo a TKR in July. But last night there was a situation which may lead to my having to cancel. So I was still ruminating about this when the phone rang this morning with a call from St. Peter's to register me for the procedure, which mainly means to check my health insurance, and to see if I'm still alive, and maybe coherent. So we'll see. I accept that St. Peter's may be a better hospital, but it does take me out of my comfort zone, something only people of my generation could probably sympathize with, especially if they grew up in bucolic Valley Falls. I don't know why Dr. C. is ending his surgical relationship with Samaritan Hospital at the end of the month, but would suspect it is a matter for his convenience, or possibly it is related to the workings of changes in the medical consortium.
It's a case of deja vu in that while it seems I never fully committed to surgery last year either, the process takes on a life of its own. And I wonder how this can be because no one has applied the slightest bit of pressure; it's more the opposite of that. So whatever happens will be because of a decision made by me alone.
It's a case of deja vu in that while it seems I never fully committed to surgery last year either, the process takes on a life of its own. And I wonder how this can be because no one has applied the slightest bit of pressure; it's more the opposite of that. So whatever happens will be because of a decision made by me alone.
June 6, 2014
I haven't been on my exercise bike for almost a week, reasoning that maybe I've been putting too much stress on the left knee by walking around the yard and doing some stuff inside. So today I did my usual 5 miles in 15 minutes with no tension applied. Right knee was fine; left knee stiff at first but loosened up as usual. But ever since, it's been crunching at almost every step. If it hurt at rest, I'd have no problem with surgery, but it is pain free if I'm sitting down.
Incidentally, I contacted TRIP today to check into HARC. There's a set of acronyms for you. Rehab Specialist Martin Morey may call us back. We had a critical situation the other evening which underlined the need for some intervention here. We'll see. (I may call Gutter Helmet next week; the resident handyman is out of commission, and there are little trees growing on our roof.)
Incidentally, I contacted TRIP today to check into HARC. There's a set of acronyms for you. Rehab Specialist Martin Morey may call us back. We had a critical situation the other evening which underlined the need for some intervention here. We'll see. (I may call Gutter Helmet next week; the resident handyman is out of commission, and there are little trees growing on our roof.)
June 9, 2014
Nothing new. No better, but no worse either. On looking, though, my left leg seems more crooked than before. Or maybe I'm just looking for a sign......
June 9, 2014 Spoke too soon
I ventured out in public this morning, and a man asked me what happened; why was I limping? And I was wearing my sneakers too with the leather heel insert the therapist gave me to compensate for the almost half inch leg length discrepancy. Maybe all my excess weight has collapsed the insert down. No one else, over the course of the past year, has ever commented on any limp. Probably because no one pays any attention to me or the way I walk. Alas!
All By Myself June 11, 2014
Another day, and deeper in doubt. I try taking a few days off, not using the stationary bike so that the knee may have time to rest. When I start to ride, my left knee hurts a little because it is stiff, but the pain gradually resolves. But then the knee crunches worse than before. I'm not sure whether using it is beneficial or harmful. I tried to ride the bike before last year's surgery when I read it was important to exercise the muscles so that therapy would be successful. But I was unable to pedal through even one rotation; my knee (or knees) couldn't bend far enough to make the arc. So I'm way better off this year. Or so I like to think.
Also June 14
I must be getting nervous because I'm starting to remember what I've mostly confined to the past. When I was I the hospital for the TKR, I was prepared for lots of pain. Everyone, even, and especially, the pre-admission nurse advocate or liaison, or whatever she called herself. The first night you will feel extreme pain, she warned. That was not the case.
I felt virtually no pain while I was in the hospital, due to a nerve block, I'm assuming. I think it may have been more than usually effective because pretty much the only pain killer I've ever taken is aspirin and Tylenol. The worst discomfort was at home, when a toothache-like bone pain would wake me up every night around 2:00 a.m. for several weeks. I think it was because I avoided taking the prescription Oxycodone; I still have most of the pills, and never refilled the prescription. I think I was afraid it wouldn't help and then I'd really be out of luck if the pain got worse. So I was saving its effect for when I might really need it. I think if there's to be a next time I would load up. WTH.
I put up with the gnawing night-time pain. It would have bothered me even less if I'd know it was only temporary, but I read all those patient comments where they are still suffering months and years after their surgery. Yikes. One of the things that really bothered me was that the foot on my operated leg swelled up and stayed swollen for a while. Days? Weeks? I'm not sure now. It didn't seem to me that an innocent foot should have to suffer, and I didn't understand why, though it seemed expected and no one seemed concerned. (except me) I think I understand now why the foot swells: it's because of the effects of the tourniquet they apply to your upper leg during the surgery. The blood supply is cut off for quite some time, an hour or more. No one wants blood during an operation where you have to see what you're doing. So the foot suffers. I read that in some cases the patient stores his blood in case a transfusion is needed due to that blood loss. I know there must be blood, but I have to say I didn't see a single drop, either in the hospital or at home, just whatever was on the outer stitches. The tourniquet must have been tight enough.
Today is the first day that has felt like summer to me, and I kind of wish we were planning a trip to Cape Cod or such, as in the old days.
I felt virtually no pain while I was in the hospital, due to a nerve block, I'm assuming. I think it may have been more than usually effective because pretty much the only pain killer I've ever taken is aspirin and Tylenol. The worst discomfort was at home, when a toothache-like bone pain would wake me up every night around 2:00 a.m. for several weeks. I think it was because I avoided taking the prescription Oxycodone; I still have most of the pills, and never refilled the prescription. I think I was afraid it wouldn't help and then I'd really be out of luck if the pain got worse. So I was saving its effect for when I might really need it. I think if there's to be a next time I would load up. WTH.
I put up with the gnawing night-time pain. It would have bothered me even less if I'd know it was only temporary, but I read all those patient comments where they are still suffering months and years after their surgery. Yikes. One of the things that really bothered me was that the foot on my operated leg swelled up and stayed swollen for a while. Days? Weeks? I'm not sure now. It didn't seem to me that an innocent foot should have to suffer, and I didn't understand why, though it seemed expected and no one seemed concerned. (except me) I think I understand now why the foot swells: it's because of the effects of the tourniquet they apply to your upper leg during the surgery. The blood supply is cut off for quite some time, an hour or more. No one wants blood during an operation where you have to see what you're doing. So the foot suffers. I read that in some cases the patient stores his blood in case a transfusion is needed due to that blood loss. I know there must be blood, but I have to say I didn't see a single drop, either in the hospital or at home, just whatever was on the outer stitches. The tourniquet must have been tight enough.
Today is the first day that has felt like summer to me, and I kind of wish we were planning a trip to Cape Cod or such, as in the old days.
A Grave Walk June 18, 2014
Today at the cemetery, I walked from my mother's grave to my father's. In the past, with others, the distance seemed short, but today it was longer. I don't remember when or why I began the practice of unconsciously counting steps when I walk. But today I found myself counting every step, from one grave to the other and then back again to where my car was parked. I can only speculate about next year.
Semantics
The good doctor, not mine, announces that the term "knee replacement" is not accurate. The knee is not replaced, he says. You don't take the old knee out and put in a new one. Rather, the surgery should be properly called a "knee resurfacing." All that is done is to shave off a wafer-thin section of the bones, the femur and the tibia, and replace those sections with the metal and plastic components. Oh, that sounds so much better.
Part II Fearful Loathing in VF
One of the things that bothered me the most when I had TKR last May was the swelling in the foot of my operated leg. I hated looking at it. One condition I'd never had was swollen feet or ankles, not even when I was pregnant. It seemed like such a deformity, and the foot was an innocent bystander. I couldn't understand it until I researched (googled) the surgery and learned that during the surgery a tourniquet is applied to the thigh for pretty much the duration of the operation, almost 2 hours. As little blood as possible is wanted in the theater of operations. The swelling does disappear after a while, but I think it exacerbates varicose veins.
June 21, 2014 A Specific Worry
Back before my knees had given me any real grief, I worked with a woman who was a farmer and of necessity did a lot of physical labor. Her knees began to bother her, and she sought relief. She looked for a cause, and was finally told it was probable that her joint aches were due to the mercury fillings she had in her teeth. That was and still is a real concern, but it has been quashed at every opportunity by the American Dental Association. No dental advocacy group even wants to think about the expense involved in removing all those old fillings, not to mention the inevitability of monstrous lawsuits if credence were given to mercury-caused ailments.
Jean, the farmer, did have her mercury fillings taken out, but she still had the aching knees, which had doubtless already been damaged beyond redemption by this time, irrespective of cause. She went on to have both knees replaced, though I can't recall if in single or bilateral surgery. Her knees felt better, she said, but she had one overriding fear. She spent a lot of time on her considerable farm acreage, out in the fields, winter and summer, and she was afraid she would fall and, with her 2 artificial knees, be unable to get up, being unable to kneel on her knees. Working with animals and machines, and on slippery and muddy ground, slipping and falling were to be expected, but now much more ominous. She had fallen once, alone, out in the fields, and she said if she hadn't fallen near a tractor she would have been unable to get up. She needed something to grab on to.
The orthopedist who performed the surgery on my right knee last year said I would be able to kneel on it if I wanted to. I've given it a half-hearted try a few times, but did not like the sensation, so I always use the unoperated knee to kneel on to get up if I'm cleaning the bathroom or just sitting on the floor. I don't know what I'll do if both knees have been replaced.
June 21, 2014 A Specific Worry
Back before my knees had given me any real grief, I worked with a woman who was a farmer and of necessity did a lot of physical labor. Her knees began to bother her, and she sought relief. She looked for a cause, and was finally told it was probable that her joint aches were due to the mercury fillings she had in her teeth. That was and still is a real concern, but it has been quashed at every opportunity by the American Dental Association. No dental advocacy group even wants to think about the expense involved in removing all those old fillings, not to mention the inevitability of monstrous lawsuits if credence were given to mercury-caused ailments.
Jean, the farmer, did have her mercury fillings taken out, but she still had the aching knees, which had doubtless already been damaged beyond redemption by this time, irrespective of cause. She went on to have both knees replaced, though I can't recall if in single or bilateral surgery. Her knees felt better, she said, but she had one overriding fear. She spent a lot of time on her considerable farm acreage, out in the fields, winter and summer, and she was afraid she would fall and, with her 2 artificial knees, be unable to get up, being unable to kneel on her knees. Working with animals and machines, and on slippery and muddy ground, slipping and falling were to be expected, but now much more ominous. She had fallen once, alone, out in the fields, and she said if she hadn't fallen near a tractor she would have been unable to get up. She needed something to grab on to.
The orthopedist who performed the surgery on my right knee last year said I would be able to kneel on it if I wanted to. I've given it a half-hearted try a few times, but did not like the sensation, so I always use the unoperated knee to kneel on to get up if I'm cleaning the bathroom or just sitting on the floor. I don't know what I'll do if both knees have been replaced.
June 25
Started out deceptively, looking clear. I filled in as the listener at Andrew's Reading Day. Dave had "routine visit" at Dr. Pender's. No diagnosis seems forthcoming, but he asked for physical therapy, and was referred to (1) Dr. Verdini, neurologist, for return visit and also to the orthopedist for evaluation of shoulder stiffness, which may be bursitis and treatable with cortisone. We'll see.
What standards? June 28, 2014
If I keep lowering my standards, they will be in the cellar. And that would be a good place to start, clutter-wise. By now, I had fully expected to have made a significant dent in the amassment, but that didn't happen, not even close. Now it's too late to begin, if my schedule holds. But if that doesn't happen, I could start the process. Piece by piece doesn't seem to be very effective, though every once in a while, a little financial reward shows up. Garage sales don't seem very worthwhile, in view of the vast amounts of stuff left over, and the time and energy it takes to haul stuff back and forth. I don't think at this point I can commit to the mass destruction of a dumpster. The most I've invested in so far has been to purchase a number of clear trash bags so I can track what I've stored without having to open to look inside. One of these days.....
The uncertainty immobilizes.
The uncertainty immobilizes.
Friday, June 27, 2014
June 27, 2014
As before, holding on, pending. I might have to apprise all of those clamoring for updates of change of plans. They number in the 2's.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
June 24, 2014
Just when I'm thinking any intervention will be excessive, due to time-effectiveness, something jolts me out of that zone. As usual, I was up for an hour or so in the early morning, about 2-3 a.m., and went back to bed and to sleep. D. didn't have school bus duty as Joe was home, so I slept late, til 8: a.m. When I got out of bed, my left knee didn't want to function without pain, or bear any weight. The pain was mostly in the kneecap area. The thought crossed my mind of emergency repair, but that would be chancy, at best. After a while, and a few more test runs, the knee went back to normal, normal for it anyway. If that were the only problem I'm statistically likely to face at this stage of the game of life, the course would be clear.
Snookie called me yesterday, saying she wanted to talk to an older person. Her birthday is Wed. Then she will be the same age as me, for another 360 days. She is having problems with her vision, and, as an avid reader, is anxious to do all that's possible to preserve it. Our good Dr. S., several years ago, told her that she would be dead before her eye disease affected her vision. Shows what he knows, again not as much as he thinks he knows.
Snookie called me yesterday, saying she wanted to talk to an older person. Her birthday is Wed. Then she will be the same age as me, for another 360 days. She is having problems with her vision, and, as an avid reader, is anxious to do all that's possible to preserve it. Our good Dr. S., several years ago, told her that she would be dead before her eye disease affected her vision. Shows what he knows, again not as much as he thinks he knows.
Monday, June 23, 2014
June 23, 2014
Back from my Surgical Clearance at primary care doctor. He sees no reason why I'm not fit for surgery. But he's an agreeable, type, doesn't seem to dwell on the negative, rather odd for a doctor, it would seem. He did say that he saw me walking down the hallway earlier and observed a problem with stability in my knee. He thought maybe I'd benefit from wearing "some kind of brace: to keep it stable. But I demurred. I don't need no stinkin' brace.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
June 19, 2014
Here it is, another birthday. I'm glad to keep having them, but wish I wasn't so old. You get to a point where it seems there is not enough time left to warrant any type of investment. It's more rewarding to draw water from a new well rather than to drain it off from an old depleted one.
On the other hand, saintly old Medicare and its practitioners seem oblivious to how much time is left to benefit from their input. I have an appointment tomorrow, Friday, and another on Monday to see if I can withstand the trauma of surgery. We'll see I guess.
On the other hand, saintly old Medicare and its practitioners seem oblivious to how much time is left to benefit from their input. I have an appointment tomorrow, Friday, and another on Monday to see if I can withstand the trauma of surgery. We'll see I guess.
June 20, 2014
Today was clearance for surgery visit with cardiologist. The Medical Arts Building is under construction, and is presently torn apart. Bigger and better must be the byword. I waited only a few minutes, maybe 5 or 6, and then was called for weight (oops, a few lbs. up) and BP (also oops, up a little) and an ekg. Waited a few minutes more before seeing the doctor, who said all seemed fine, that the ekg was exactly the same as before, normal, that my BP was slightly elevated, postulated probably that I was a little anxious about surgery, etc., and that any "off-center" sensation was most likely due to walking alignment, or something like that. He did not repeat my blood pressure reading by taking it himself as he usually does. That could be because I appeared so healthy, but it could also be because he was pressed for time due to a patient in the waiting room who wanted to see him during her husband's appointment, and he agreed to do so. He said nothing about my weight, but then he never does. He did ask about the kidney stone, but I told him that was over a year ago. I notice he has the same socks, or at least of the same pattern, as when I'd seen him last Nov. I see him once a year, have for a long time, and was scheduled for return visit this coming November, but he said that wouldn't be necessary, to schedule for a year from this appointment. It occurred to me a post-surgery check might be helpful, but what do I know. I'll have to remember to check his socks next June, kind of a dreary pattern of tan on tan. I'll know it when I see it.
He wrote me a prescription for routine bloodwork, but said not to go to the lab, but to bring the script to St. Peter's so as not to duplicate what they may order. He also said the seventies age group is fairly young, with maybe 20 or so more years to be walking around, so surgery would be a good idea. Shows what he knows. He shook my hand and wished me good luck. I thought, in the interest of avoiding germ transmissions, that doctors were doing fist bumps now, but I guess he's not the type.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Ergo Ego June 21
Life is so conflicted. My personal life, that is. I remember when there was a lot going on in my life which involved others in various activities, and so whatever journey we were on was a shared one, to different degrees. Now everything has wound down, leaving the bare and exposed elements of myself trying to survive as best I can. I have a single primary concern at present, complex and consuming, a major commitment which I can only hope will be of benefit. I test the waters: one, two, three, four. That should set the tone, and it does. I venture forth with the overture and the responses are tepid, at best. Four openings, and not one follow-up. Not an inch of territory beyond the opening. No comments, no questions, no opinions. One pledge of availability if required, from one who is becoming tormented by his own physical shortcomings. At one level I am not surprised at what has come to be, but in another dimension I am completely shocked.
How can that be! How can anyone not be thinking of me, me, me! That's all I think about. Old and worn as I am, I'm number one on my list. I completely occupy my own mind; what would anyone expect I think about?
How can that be! How can anyone not be thinking of me, me, me! That's all I think about. Old and worn as I am, I'm number one on my list. I completely occupy my own mind; what would anyone expect I think about?
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
2-1=1
A woman I know has had both hips replaced. Even though the first replacement worked out well, she says she felt more nervous and had more reservations about the second surgery than the first. At least the first time, she says, she still had one of her own hips. I know exactly what she means---there's something about trying to keep your body whole......
Saturday, June 14, 2014
The Best or Worst of Times--June 14, 2014
This may be the worst of times to contemplate elective major surgery or it could be the best of times to do so. At present there are mobility issues affecting another which may necessitate that I be as mobile as possible. But time is not always kind in such cases and if mobility in the first case is not to improve, then mobility in the second case should be improved as much as is medically possible. While the disposition of the first case is presently undetermined, it is known that the second case will definitely not improve without surgical intervention, and is unlikely to remain static. So that may well be the only instance where either of us has any choice to make.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
If only there were more time....
Knee Replacement surgery will be so much better. First innovation was the computer-assisted surgery where all the computer equipment is directly in the operating room, and the surgeon can utilize the downloads to make his job easier. Then, I gather because that is somewhat unwieldy and very costly, the customized implant components designed via an MRI. Next, a completely personalized implant from a 3D printer, and today I learned of GPS aided knee replacement. That way the surgeon knows exactly where to place the components and furthermore can be alerted to any changes or needed adjustments post surgery. I can just hear, "As soon as you can safely do so, make a U-turn and......."
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
I'm walkin' here....
Or not. In the last few years, I lost much of my ability to walk in a smooth, unthinking manner. But so has almost everyone else, or so it seems. Leg weakness, spinal stenosis, peripheral neuropathy, pulmonary issues, problematic bunion surgery, hip replacement failure, degenerative arthritis and a host of other issues have all impacted what we once took for granted. After the first year of life, when we struggled into an upright position, and then learned we could actually move independently of others, we gave no thought as to when time would issue a recall of our achievements. But that time has come. All we can do is stave it off as long as possible. I need to think long and hard about this before I take any definitive action.
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