A beautiful day, almost seems a shame to waste it on us. There should not be napping on a day like this, but in the absence of anything else, it occurs. Thinking the unthinkable, I have the urge to clean house. All my previous attempts were fruitless, weak attempts, so I decided to confine my efforts to my clothing. I can't call it a wardrobe; I don't wear any fashion items anymore; I just have pieces and pieces. I think I have about 50 pairs of socks, probably more, and some are unworn with price tags still on. I probably have at least that many sweaters, and though most have been worn, I tend to wear the same garments most of the time. Same for pants, and I own about 20 zip-up jackets and even more sweaters.
I filled a large garbage bag with just my clothing today and brought it to the receptacle in Schaghticoke. Another bagful went in the garbage. Back in the room, I see no difference; it looks like a hoarder's paradise. If any of those well-meaning, mandated-reporter health care workers get a look inside that room, I'll probably be assigned to therapy.
To break the monotony of despair, I initiated a drive to Hand Melon for fresh strawberries. You can pick them yourself for $2.25 a pint at B.J.'s, but we went first class and paid $5.25 a quart at Hand Melon. What's $.75 when you can avoid laboring like a migrant. And besides, the baskets were overflowing and the berries were good.
In cleaning (hah) my closet area, I was down on the floor, and it occurred to me that I should put my weight on the operated knee when I went to get up off the floor, since if there are 2 operated knees, I need to be able to get up from the floor, or the ground, if that's the case. I hate the feeling of kneeling on it. Some doctors recommend against it, but Dr. C. said it was fine to do so. What does he know, I can't help but think. It feels strange and I have avoided it, using the other knee. So I tried it, on the hardwood bedroom floor. I couldn't make myself do it, but I found that I can push myself up with both arms and then straighten my legs beneath me. That works for now. Who knows what the future holds? (Well, some of us have a pretty good guess.)
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
June 17----Justification? Rationalization?
Last week, an acquaintance asked me why I was limping, and a few days ago another said she noticed that my legs seemed crooked when I walked. I didn't think I limped noticeably, at least not when I'm wearing my "special shoe," and of course I have no idea what my legs, or any other part of me for that matter, look like when I'm walking. So those things don't bother me, though I'm probably paying attention to those remarks so as to justify any surgery. What does bother me is the sounds I hear when I'm walking. The pain is mostly minimal, and stops when I do, so that would not be a decisive factor. But what the crunching sound means to me is that the bones are wearing on each other and further erosion seems inevitable----as long as I am moving around. I don't want to be like the guy in the TV commercial who exclaims, "I was bone on bone!" He seems so proud of it somehow, but I guess that's because the elderly often become one with their afflictions, their faithful constant companions when others have fallen by the wayside.
I belong to an organization wherein people travel for miles and spend thousands of dollars, out of pocket when necessary, to preserve their vision. Some are elderly, some are much younger. Sometimes patients travel alone, over considerable distances, with no one to accompany them, to seek the optimal sight-saving surgery. The surgery is usually out-patient, but the patient needs to stay nearby for checks over a few or several days, and is not to remain alone for at least the first night. The patients with no one accompanying them make their own travel arrangements and hotel accommodations, often with the assistance of the surgical center, and when necessary arrange for a paid attendant to help them, until released by the doctor. I figure if they can do it, so can I.
I belong to an organization wherein people travel for miles and spend thousands of dollars, out of pocket when necessary, to preserve their vision. Some are elderly, some are much younger. Sometimes patients travel alone, over considerable distances, with no one to accompany them, to seek the optimal sight-saving surgery. The surgery is usually out-patient, but the patient needs to stay nearby for checks over a few or several days, and is not to remain alone for at least the first night. The patients with no one accompanying them make their own travel arrangements and hotel accommodations, often with the assistance of the surgical center, and when necessary arrange for a paid attendant to help them, until released by the doctor. I figure if they can do it, so can I.
Fear and Loathing in Valley Falls---June 19
Well, not loathing exactly, except for that directed at myself, but I do have some fear. Not the crippling type where I fear for my life, but the worrisome, niggling sort, with a touch of the "Darkman" scenario.
For one, and most tangible, I am wary of anesthesiologists, almost to the level of fear. I like to know when something begins and also when it ends, to understand the nature of an event. But these professionals don't function that way. They appear out of nowhere and disappear into vapor, after their job is done. Any explanation they give is muddied by the effects of the fog they induce. Once an IV line is installed, you are at the mercy of another.
Furthermore, I don't believe what patients are told about the type of anesthesia that purportedly has you awake and responsive, but unable to remember afterwards. If so, wouldn't this involve destruction of some of your brain cells? I would be interested in a study on the effects of that type of anesthesia and Alzheimer's or dementia.
The only effect I've ever been aware of when under some anesthetic or another is that it didn't occur to me to talk. I remember seeing the doctor when it didn't seem necessary or expected for me to say anything even though I had some unanswered questions in my mind. When, right after surgery, the nurse asked if I could move my toes, I responded in one word that I couldn't, not on either foot. Later I thought this might have been critical to recovery, or paralysis, but then, I was a monosyllabic cretin. Ah, well, I'll get to my worse fears tomorrow, or not.
For one, and most tangible, I am wary of anesthesiologists, almost to the level of fear. I like to know when something begins and also when it ends, to understand the nature of an event. But these professionals don't function that way. They appear out of nowhere and disappear into vapor, after their job is done. Any explanation they give is muddied by the effects of the fog they induce. Once an IV line is installed, you are at the mercy of another.
Furthermore, I don't believe what patients are told about the type of anesthesia that purportedly has you awake and responsive, but unable to remember afterwards. If so, wouldn't this involve destruction of some of your brain cells? I would be interested in a study on the effects of that type of anesthesia and Alzheimer's or dementia.
The only effect I've ever been aware of when under some anesthetic or another is that it didn't occur to me to talk. I remember seeing the doctor when it didn't seem necessary or expected for me to say anything even though I had some unanswered questions in my mind. When, right after surgery, the nurse asked if I could move my toes, I responded in one word that I couldn't, not on either foot. Later I thought this might have been critical to recovery, or paralysis, but then, I was a monosyllabic cretin. Ah, well, I'll get to my worse fears tomorrow, or not.
June 28, 2014
I'm up to today's date in my chronology. Today marks the day that the last one has been apprised of the situation to date. I haven't wanted to venture into the TMI area, have been on more of a need-to-know basis. I'll tell when they ask. Getting old and on the fringe really sucks scissors.
Indecision, May 25 2014
(I write this to myself to try to put things in perspective. I did the same last year, intending to delete after the surgery was over, but I have found reading it over helps me understand the process. I kind of wish I had kept a more detailed account because in rereading I've forgotten, or not thought of, a lot of things that happened.)
It's been a year since I had the right TKR, and I'm not sure what to do about the other knee. Over the years, both orthopedists I had seen said both knees were badly damaged, and would need total knee replacement to function in a normal manner. The right knee was worse, and so was done first. Before the surgery, it seemed as if both knees hurt, and I got to the point where walking any distance and standing for more than several minutes were painful. They did not hurt at rest, though there were times in the past when they did. To my surprise and satisfaction, after the TKR on the right knee, the left knee felt really good also. I walked around Washington Park, in shopping malls, and, probably the best test of all, I was able to walk all around the grounds at the Schaghticoke Fair, just 3 months after the surgery. But this spring, my left knee has started clicking, and becomes painful after I've walked on it for more than 10 minutes or so. I tell myself being able to walk around at the Schaghticoke Fair is not a strong enough reason to risk major surgery. But at the last visit to Ortho, new x-rays showed no cartilage, bone spurs, and I was told that my left leg is also crooked. Not too noticeable to me, and nowhere near as crooked and deformed as the right leg had been. I know, since I'm the age I am, that I can live with the amount of disability (if that's the word), for the rest of my life. As it is. But what if it gets worse is the question I'm faced with. The older I get, the more likely I am to develop surgical complications, so the best time to act may be now. When the surgeon asked if the pain in the left knee is as bad now as the right knee was last year, this is what I said: "Before surgery both knees hurt, the right being worse, but I felt pain in both. After the surgery, for a period of time, I was pain-free. Now the left knee hurts, but since the right knee is pain-free, I'm only in half as much pain as before." I'd hate to "waste" the benefit of my surgery by being unable to walk around freely, to lose what I went through all that trouble to gain.
Anyway, before any more surgery, I would have to again get clearance from my primary doctor and my cardiologist. I suspect the results would depend on blood tests and not any other clinical findings because the cardiologist is part of a mill, and the primary seems kind of clueless.
I wonder, what are we looking for anyway? I no longer have anyone to go shopping with, hang out with, or most of the time have anyone to talk to. There is no one who knows how far I can walk.
It's been a year since I had the right TKR, and I'm not sure what to do about the other knee. Over the years, both orthopedists I had seen said both knees were badly damaged, and would need total knee replacement to function in a normal manner. The right knee was worse, and so was done first. Before the surgery, it seemed as if both knees hurt, and I got to the point where walking any distance and standing for more than several minutes were painful. They did not hurt at rest, though there were times in the past when they did. To my surprise and satisfaction, after the TKR on the right knee, the left knee felt really good also. I walked around Washington Park, in shopping malls, and, probably the best test of all, I was able to walk all around the grounds at the Schaghticoke Fair, just 3 months after the surgery. But this spring, my left knee has started clicking, and becomes painful after I've walked on it for more than 10 minutes or so. I tell myself being able to walk around at the Schaghticoke Fair is not a strong enough reason to risk major surgery. But at the last visit to Ortho, new x-rays showed no cartilage, bone spurs, and I was told that my left leg is also crooked. Not too noticeable to me, and nowhere near as crooked and deformed as the right leg had been. I know, since I'm the age I am, that I can live with the amount of disability (if that's the word), for the rest of my life. As it is. But what if it gets worse is the question I'm faced with. The older I get, the more likely I am to develop surgical complications, so the best time to act may be now. When the surgeon asked if the pain in the left knee is as bad now as the right knee was last year, this is what I said: "Before surgery both knees hurt, the right being worse, but I felt pain in both. After the surgery, for a period of time, I was pain-free. Now the left knee hurts, but since the right knee is pain-free, I'm only in half as much pain as before." I'd hate to "waste" the benefit of my surgery by being unable to walk around freely, to lose what I went through all that trouble to gain.
Anyway, before any more surgery, I would have to again get clearance from my primary doctor and my cardiologist. I suspect the results would depend on blood tests and not any other clinical findings because the cardiologist is part of a mill, and the primary seems kind of clueless.
I wonder, what are we looking for anyway? I no longer have anyone to go shopping with, hang out with, or most of the time have anyone to talk to. There is no one who knows how far I can walk.
Ambivalence----May 26, 2014
When I woke up this morning, I had no pain anywhere. Both knees felt, well, they felt nothing. So I'd be making a mistake to have surgery, I decide, at least for the present. Of course, when I first get out of bed, and still barefoot, I kind of bounce off the wall in the hallway, but that's nothing new. It's because my legs are different lengths since last year's surgery, but easily corrected with the help of a 3/8 inch leather heelpad which the physical therapist gave me last May. Even before the surgery, my legs didn't match, but any walking soon became so painful I paid no attention to the discrepancy. Last week the surgeon did say my unoperated leg was also crooked, and that the knee replacement would make it straight. The thought is tempting, but whether it's worth another surgery is problematic, to me anyway.
Later in the day we drive to the mall, and as we walk across the parking lot, I'm aware of pain in my kneecap with every step I take. Not bad pain, but definitely present. It stops completely when I stop walking. At home, I go down the basement steps to get the laundry, and my knee feels sore again, and, more concerning, seems to lack stability. At the end of last summer, after the therapy sessions ended at about 5 weeks post-surgery, I was able to walk up and down stairs without holding on to the railing, and now I am unable to. So I figure I've lost some ground.
I've outlined my knee issues, to several family members, but no one has followed up with any hint of interest or offerings of advice. Only the people left of my generation display any interest in geriatric conditions, and they are necessarily involved with their own health isues.
Whatever decision I arrive at will be mine alone. When and if I decide to go forth with surgery, I will make it known, but I will make plans independent of the involvement of others.
Left Knee Saga
I went today for the scheduled MRI of my knee, as per the Signature protocol. (I can't help but wish the 3D Printer version of knee implant was more widely available at the present, but so it goes.) I remembered last year when I had the MRI at the same facility, I did not like the experience I had there, and told myself I would not return. But it happens that this is the only place for the particular type of MRI, so here I am. The tech introduced herself as Diane, and I told her of my concern about last year, when the fan was not running during the whole body scan, and the temperature rose to an uncomfortable level, discomfort heightened when no one responded when I spoke through the mike in the machine. She said she would be there, and that the fan would be running. Another tech appeared, the same "Maria' from last year. So the MRI went smoothly, no problems at all , and the techs both seemed much friendlier than from last year, though Maria didn't say much at all. Diane did say the my knee "was in pretty bad shape' so I guess that's good in a way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)